Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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