three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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