Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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