Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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