Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
