yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
