remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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