____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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