sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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