Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
