I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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