i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
