Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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