Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
