Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
