I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
