one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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