I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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