Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
