As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
