My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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