Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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