I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
