I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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