do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Boobs are out for the taking
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
