I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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