Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
