I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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