No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
