I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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