Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
