So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
