Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
