So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
