I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
