matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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