We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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