Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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