I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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