Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
