Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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