Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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