hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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