It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
