sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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