I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
