If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
