Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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