Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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