You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
