i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
