How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
