I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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