You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
