My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
3pm strippers are depressing
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
